Discovering Bisexuality as a Spiritual Calling

Last year, I ordered the book Blessed Bi Spirit: Bisexual People of Faith because I realized I still had some things to come to terms with in regards to my sexuality and my faith. I wanted to continue writing and speaking about the intersection of queerness and Christianity in my life, but I couldn’t keep doing that until I more than occasionally believed that my bisexuality had a purpose besides making my life more complicated. A little bi-centric reading seemed like the best starting place if I wanted to eventually be able to make space within myself to let my spirituality positively color my views of my sexuality just as I’d let my sexuality positively color my understanding of my faith.

When I bought that book, I wasn’t really thinking about my calling; I only wanted to find a better way of looking at the relationship between my bisexuality and my Christianity. But the more I read, the more I felt like that anthology had answers to questions about my calling I’d been asking since I stood at the altar of my church at seventeen and tried to understand what one of our pastors meant when she’d told me, “God has called you to push past the fear and speak up.” Questions I’d faced anew my last semester of college when I wrote YA short stories about Black queer Christian teenagers for my senior thesis and first got the sense that writing was a part of my God-given purpose. Questions I kept trying to bury every time someone used the word calling in reference to my life.

As I read about other bisexual people of faith finding spiritual beauty in their bisexuality and embracing the places where their sexuality and faith intermingled and even became inseparable, I began to consider that my bisexuality might be a crucial part of my spiritual journey. I looked back at all the moments that had made me feel most connected to the calling I’d received as a teenager and noticed my bisexuality was somehow always there. Teaching me how to speak the truth again and again even when I was terrified. Expanding my definitions of love and justice until I understood who and what to speak up for. Giving me the perspectives and connections necessary to write and discuss intersectionality in ways that were healing not only for me but also for others.

In that light, it suddenly didn’t feel blasphemous to admit that maybe God had wanted me to be bisexual all along.

Maybe when God called me at that altar, They were envisioning the life I was slowly living into as a bisexual writer and public speaker. Maybe, my bisexuality had been a part of God’s plan from the very beginning even before I knew it was part of me. Maybe, God hadn’t simply allowed me to be bisexual but had ordained it.

 

Coming to view my bisexuality in this way has not answered all of my questions about my sexuality or my calling. But it has made space for me to consider the idea of calling in a broader way and to provide a much more personally resonant answer to the unfortunately enduring question, “Do you believe you were born that way or do you believe your sexuality is a choice?”

Whereas before I struggled to give a concise but accurate response to that question, now I can answer resolutely, “I believe I was called into my bisexuality” and then relish in the sight of people wrestling as I have and as I still am with all the things that can and does mean.

Angélique

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4 thoughts on “Discovering Bisexuality as a Spiritual Calling

  1. Finding ways to merge my faith and my sexuality has become more difficult as I become more open with family and friends about me being bisexual. I can definitely relate to a lot of things you mentioned here. It is more convenient for my family if I just kept my “secret” to myself. I am slowly peeling back the layers of guilt and shame to expose my authentic self and embracing all of my intersections as a black, bi woman. I am definitely going to purchase this book. Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Quita. I’ve had the benefit of figuring out how my faith and sexuality intersect largely separate from my family and from friends who weren’t understanding thanks to college and eventually moving away from family, but I certainly recognize the struggle of trying to be true to oneself despite what family and friends might feel about your truth. As I’ve been figuring things out, it’s been helpful for me to find spaces online where I could encounter people living out their truth as bisexual. I’ve even within the past year joined some very tailored groups for bi women of color and for bi Christians.

      Two quick things about Blessed Bi Spirit I didn’t mention in this post: Firstly, as much as I love it and still highly recommend it, I have to mention that some of the language in it is a bit dated as it was published in the 90s. The message is still very relevant to today, but I wanted to make sure you know what you’re buying. Secondly, I’d try really hard to get a used copy. Again, I love it, but not enough to tell people to pay that new edition price. I got mine through Thriftbooks for very cheap, but I don’t think they often get used copies to sell. Perhaps, another used bookseller might have a copy.

      Another book that might help as you’re unpacking some of the negative messages you’ve received is Afrekete: An Anthology of Black Lesbian Writing. It’s not specifically focused on faith, but I found it provided a nice overview through fiction, poetry, and essays of the emotional landscape of Black same-gender loving women (bisexual writers are included in the collection despite the name) and it helped me unpack some of my own negative messages too.

      Thanks again for stopping by. It always means a lot to me when someone comments!

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